2006 Comes to a Close

So, as I've previously blogged, 2006 has been quite a year. This blog briefly summarizes the year 2006.

Of course, the most traumatic event for the year, as well as for my life, was the death of my dear, sweet Mother on March 10, 2006. My Mother died on that day from a wicked brain tumor, a glioblastoma. I miss her immensely and not a day goes by that I don't think about her and the wonderful legacy and example that she left. I suspect that this is something that I may never fully get over.

My 23-year-old daughter moved home (again). She had been living in Provo, but decided that she was too poor and moved back home. Although I'm sure it has been an adjustment for her, she seems to have grown up a bit and she is easier to live with. I hope she feels the same about her family. She also seems more focused about life, is starting back to school (Salt Lake Community College), will be working full time (with benefits). I feel better about her and her direction. She is a smart, wonderful daughter.

The son is now a senior in high school. He has physically really grown into quite a young man, now at 6'2" and still growing. He is fun, and enjoys playing Yahtzee almost nightly with his mom, which in and of itself is a miracle. He has a "friend" who seems to hold a special place in his heart. I hope he realizes that your first love is a special love, but that there's a lot more to come. He plans to graduate and get into college. A mission seemed to be his priority for a while, although lately he hasn't said as much about that, so I don't know. I do know that if he goes on a mission, it will be his decision.

My husband was called to be a member of our bishopric. This was a very stressful time for me, because I am not your typical "mm" wife and I have some real doubts and problems with some of the Church doctrine. I was really put under pressure from the Stake Prez when he was called, and I still to this day resent how I was treated. With that said, I am confident that husband is doing a great job, and he truly feels that he has been called to serve God. He is a kind, compassionate man, and it shows in how he takes this calling very seriously. He is dependable and willing to do whatever is asked of him. I would have been extremely disappointed in the church if they had not called him to this position based on my doubts and insecurities.

In July, our family of four motored to Yellowstone, which I previously blogged about. It was fun and we got along great.

Another of my biggest challenges for the year has been my Father. He has been lost, bewildered, physically frail, and on "a trail without a map". He has taken so much energy, and I had no idea he would handle my mother's death in this way. His mourning has taken its toll on him physically, and since my mother's death he has been hospitalized on three separate occasions. I think that maybe he has turned a corner, and is now again on the mend. I can only hope that eventually he will become stronger and able to do again for himself. It is so sad for me to watch him without his wonderful partner.

Professionally for me, my job has been a bit more stressful, due to political changes in the program. I traveled a bit less this year, but next year will travel much more, to remote places of New Mexico and also Western Colorado.

I have been able to see a lot of movies this year, and still have continued to find time for myself. I try to take time to walk on the Provo River Trail, something that is so good and therapeutic, too. I have luckily had the support of some wonderful friends, who have helped me through this year. One friend in particular has been my walking partner, and I have been able to do a lot with that friend. I am so fortunate that friends and family are such a part of my life. I would be lost without them.

Christmas Without Mom

When someone dies, you go through a lot of "firsts". My mother died March 10, 2006. I have already gone through a series of "firsts" without my mom. Mothers Day, her birthday (July 3rd), Independence Day (her favorite holiday), Halloween (in which she always fixed a big pot of chili for all visitors), Thanksgiving, and now, Christmas.

Christmas was my mom's second favorite holiday (behind Independence Day). She was a wonderful hostess and cook. She decorated her house and everyone was welcome to feel the special spirit of Christmas. She made wonderful fudge and "white" fruitcake, a much better version of fruitcake than the traditional fruitcake that gets recycled and sent from year to year.

I never remember growing up when my parents did not provide a nice Christmas. I'm sure that some years were lean, monetarily, but we always managed to celebrate and never went without. When we were younger, we always went to my Maternal Grandparents, Grandma and Grandpa Karren in American Fork, for a delicious breakfast. Mother carried on that tradition and up until a few years ago, we always went to my parents for Christmas breakfast.

We have always spent Christmas evening at mom's. Always, cousins would "drop by" and she exuded such hospitality and warmth that everyone felt so at home. Homemade pies, rolls, candy and plenty of food and drink were shared by all. Lots of times we ended up playing fun games, cards, etc., with Mother right in the middle of the action.

All of this adds up to the fact that my mom is gone. I hurt so much as I think about her not being here to share her wonderful smile and spirit. I miss her company, her laughter, her cooking, her telephone calls. I miss her home being decorated for Christmas, and her wonderful example as a mother.

Christmas is not the same.

Prayer

Is it okay to pray when you're unsure? Is it okay to pray when you're troubled? Does God listen and/or understand when you're spiritually in a place that's not as expected?

These are some of the questions that have been on my mind. I look at prayer as such a powerful way to communicate with God. I also wonder what's he is thinking when someone prays who possibly is not in a position to be "asking favors". I have little tolerance for those who use prayer as a means for solving EVERYTHING. Sometimes in church, I am amused when someone refers to the power of prayer (such as at testimony meeting) and how it helped them through a difficult matter. One particular sister used the power of prayer to assist her with her computer to buy Christmas presents on sale. The website was "down", so she prayed about it and miraculuously it was available and she was able to get all of her gifts at the sale price. Doesn't God expect us to use judgement in what we "pray" for and can't we solve some of these problems ourselves?

When my mom became ill, and eventually passed away, were there not many, many prayers in her behalf? Why weren't they answered, or why did things turn out the way they did? I don't ever remember praying so hard or with such earnest, yet she still passed away. It was not meant to be, and her life was ended. My prayers (and others) were not answered as I had hoped. Does this mean that God did not listen, or that I was not in a position to be "asking for favors"? I don't know.

I guess it is not for me (us) to decide. Some things are truly "out of our hands". All things happen for a reason, I believe, including sadness, tragedy, and ultimately death. I am resigned to accept the things I cannot change, which is hard for me, since I tend to be a bit of a bulldozer when wanting something to happen "my way", instead of "God's way".

I need to again become comfortable in praying.